WTF

WTF..I have been experimenting with my own feelings

catatan kehidupan 24 September 2009

Story of a friend...

"Bro,I have been doing some crazy things lately.
Not really sure why.
Examples?
I started to care much on my grooming.
Not a bad thing to do huh?

I am flirting (again?) for fun.
I am being super nice to other people..(?)
I started voicing out on things that i don't feel right, the way i want it.
I have started to feel that I am for what I am.

Ok,let me explain a little bit on the backgrounds on each changes
that I do above.

Not a long time ago, I did have the feeling of not believing in myself.
I used to have this strong belief that other peoples are far more better
than I am.
I used to envy others (my colleagues,friends,relatives etc etc).
My mind used to tell me that they have far better life and
I dont deserve those.

As a result?

I felt demoralized in everything I do.
Day in day out,I lost the drive to live in a proper life.
I am chasing shadows of other people's images.
It got worst day by day until one day I realized that
Life is not supposed to be lived this way.

I started to be myself, for the person I am.
A few friends did noticed on the changes
and they give their fullest support.
Thanks to them.

Support, that is all i ever needed.
Understanding, is all that i ever asked for.
Love, is all that i always seek for.
Respect, is all that i always give to.

Am i asking too much from this life?
I dont really think so.

When I was adapting to the positive changes in my life,
I got to know a person who seemed to be very understanding (at that time),
and like me (for God's know why).
I never knew why...until now.

I know I don't have the resemblance of David (who?) or Johhny (who?)
I am not filthy rich like Warren Buffet or Bill Gates or even Tony Fernandes,
they're old.
lol..
But somehow or rather, the feelings attached (I'm not sure to what),
so the experimentation with my feeling started there.

We've (me & the girl) been kidding around (me,the subject) on what would it be if one day,
we tie the knot (crazy idea).
Those days were filled with laughter,full of emotions...
and I will always remember well on those 'happy'days of my life.

Sadly, here comes the bitter parts.
She decided to pursue her dream (the dream of her lifetime)
based on a drama which been aired on the local TV not a long while ago.

I didn't say much on that as I always respect her decision,
Of course I love to see her reaching her dreams,whatever it is.
But at the same time, I did mentioned to her that,
I will not stand, in between she and her dreams.
I would back off if she decide to proceed with whatever that she has decided.
Why?
For her to achieve her dreams, she would have to sacrifice many things in her life.
Her time,efforts,even friends.
I know very well on the life that she will be exposed to.
I have been there before.

I did wished her all the best as I do think that is the best for her.
I am willing to set her free so that she would not feel that she has neglected me
in pursuing her dreams.
I understand how important the dreams for her.
Now that she has got the chance,
I will have to let her go,
with no excessive feeling of guilt..

But...
How about my feelings?
Is my feelings are to be taken for granted?
How long can I sustain with this hurt?
Am I hurt?
I believe so.
Even though I'm willingly letting her go,
but it's not with all my heart.

How could I let go the feelings that is attached to every beat of my heart?
Not an easy thing to do.

I must believe that...
I will survive.
In the name of love, I will let the feeling go.
I will set my feeling free...
I will let go.
No matter what.
I must move on.

I always tried to trick my mind that,
The feelings are just...nothing.

More over, she never said anything to me on what she really feels.
I am being tricked by my passion.
I am being fooled by myself.

She has no obligation to care of my feelings.
Why would she?
She has got no reason.
Her dreams are far more important than anything else in this life.

I was just another stop in her life.
I was just....nothing to her.
Nothing.

I am walking out...for good."

note:
i am currently lost of ideas to help this friend of mine.
i am not sure how he is doing now as my calls were not answered &
my text were not replied.
i pray that he is doing fine.
my say to you friend,
be strong man,at times,life sucks!
just set her free completely,
and you will set free of your feeling, completely.
if one day she regret it that she hurt you,
she will come back to you.
be patience man..
life is fair.
what goes around comes around.
let time tells...
time always tell the truth.
WTF..

-terbangz.com-